I want to aplogize

By Peter Bregman

Why Should You Apologize?
One of the clearest ways President Obama has set himself apart from his predecessor is by demonstrating his willingness to apologize. He has apologized for using inappropriate language, making jokes in poor taste and even acting arrogantly toward Europe in the past few years.
What exactly is Obama doing? He is disarming his opponents and paving the path for reconciliation. Next time you are ready to defend your actions and play your part in a knockdown fight, consider apologizing first. Demonstrate empathy, concern, and willingness to change.
Ultimately, apologizing is not an admission of defeat but a humane gesture that can keep you out of a fight.

I was backing out of a space in a mall parking lot in New Jersey when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement and instinctively slammed on my brakes. Another car sped by, missing me by inches.

I was instantly furious. I pulled out fast to chase the other car, leaning on my horn and flashing my lights. Finally, the car stopped and I pulled up right behind him, still honking. We both got out of our cars.

"What the hell were you thinking? You almost hit me!" I screamed.

"I didn't see you!" he yelled back.

"Of course you didn't. You were driving way too fast!"

We yelled at each other for a few seconds and then he opened his arms wide and shouted:

"What do you want from me?"

An awkward silence hung between us for a moment. That was actually a great question. What did I want from him?

I knew he shouldn't have been driving recklessly and I was angry enough to drive recklessly behind him to tell him. What I really wanted was impossible; I wanted him not to have done what he did. Well, too late.

So what did I want now? Why was I screaming at him? The brief pause calmed us both down a little.

"I want you to apologize," I told him.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Thanks," I said feeling strangely better, and we both got back into our cars and drove off without another word.

We have big problems in this country. Wall Street played recklessly with our money. Banks made bad loans. Insurance companies guaranteed stupid risks. People took out unrealistic mortgages and borrowed too much to buy things they couldn't afford. Companies are going out of business and laying off workers. And, the government is bailing people out and billing our kids.

It would be easy (and tempting) to go on. But we have one more, deeper problem that's making all these other problems worse.

No one is apologizing. No one is taking responsibility for what they did to contribute to our problems. They're all blaming someone or something else. We have a kindergartener's problem and it's tearing us apart.

A friend of mine, Paul Rosenfield, was skiing with his six-year-old son Yonah when Yonah fell. It was not a terrible fall, but the binding didn't release and Yonah broke his leg. After an emotionally wrenching day spent in the emergency room tending to his child, Paul went to the shop to return the skis and speak with the owner.

The owner of the shop immediately became defensive. He claimed the bindings were set within the normal acceptable range for Yonah's 40-pound weight (in fact one reading showed the binding set above 60 pounds). He claimed he used a special machine to calibrate the setting, a machine that had been used in several court cases. And he initially resisted Paul's request to see the printout from the machine's test.

Paul went into the shop to have a conversation and he left angry enough to sue.

I asked him what the shop owner could have said that would have given him a different feeling.

"If he had been more concerned with the injury than protecting himself, if he had apologized, if he hadn't tried to cover over the fact that the bindings were too tight, if he hadn't given me a hard time about asking for a copy of the measurement printout, if he hadn't mentioned how many times his machine was used in lawsuits, then I would have left feeling less angry."

We try so hard to protect ourselves from lawsuits that we bring on lawsuits. We forget that we are human beings dealing with other human beings. And what human beings want more than anything is empathy — to be cared for and treated with respect.

By avoiding responsibility, empathy, and apology, the shop owner became a target for all of Paul's anger about the accident.

In a study of medical malpractice lawsuits, the top five reasons people gave for initiating the lawsuit were:

1. So that it would not happen to anyone else
2. I wanted an explanation
3. I wanted the doctors to realize what they had done
4. To get an admission of negligence
5. So that the doctor would know how I felt

And the number one thing the doctor or hospital could have done to prevent the lawsuit? An explanation and apology.

When the University of Michigan Health System experimented with full disclosure, existing claims and lawsuits dropped from 262 in 2001 to 83 in 2007.

Apologies work. Real, heartfelt empathy between one person and another diffuses anger and builds relationships. Defensiveness and resistance to admit mistakes creates anger.

Whatever you think about President Bush, admitting mistakes was not his strong point. If you don't admit mistakes, you can't apologize for them. And if you don't apologize for them, you will generate anger and fighting.

President Obama has shown his ability to apologize for his own mistakes. One of his earliest apologies was during his campaign when he apologized to reporter Peggy Agar for calling her "Sweetie." Most recently he apologized for his joke in poor taste about the Special Olympics on the Jay Leno show.

And now he's apologizing for America's arrogance towards Europe in the past few years. He apologized for being "dismissive, even derisive" towards our allies. For failing "to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world."

And while he chastised Turkey for not coming to terms with their treatment of the Armenians, he admitted "our country still struggles with the legacy of our past treatment of Native Americans." And he reinforced our commitment to do better: "we recently ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed, and prohibited — without exception or equivocation — any use of torture."

President Obama is being criticized by some for apologizing. Because, they say, apologizing will reduce America's standing in the world. I couldn't disagree more. The world needs less anger and more apologies. And President Obama is a great example, a role model, for how we can diffuse anger and repair relationships.

Apologizing is a humane gesture, a way to treat others with respect. And, not for nothing, it might just keep us out of a fight.

Source Harvard Business Blog